Dear Dr. Ava
Questions from Married Women
by Dr. Ava Cadell
Question: I am a 25 and recently got married to a man in his mid-50's. We met a few months ago and really hit it off. He lived so far away; we corresponded through email and phone every day. Then he asked me to move closer to him, so I did and we had a wonderful time. Within the month, he asked me to move in with him. I jumped at the chance because I really felt like I loved him and he was my soul mate. The sex was also the best I had ever had. So we got married after just knowing each other for 3 months. Now I find out that he has an ex-wife and two young kids. We are both were going through some stressful times in our lives now and it’s effecting our relationship. Do you think the gap between us in age is too much? I don’t want to give up and leave him because then I will feel like a failure. I want to make it work, but don’t know how to handle him, his kids, and his ex. I feel like I’m in over my head.
Dr. Ava, I have read a lot of your articles in the major magazines and seen you in various TV interviews, that’s why I have written to you to see if you have any advice or help to offer me. I would greatly appreciate it and thank you for taking time to read my letter.
Answer: I’m not going to put you down for getting married too soon, because it’s too late to cry over spilled milk. But, the fact is that you still don’t know your husband. He’s older, wiser, more experienced, and lived a full life before he met you. If you want this marriage to work, you must accept him, his children, and his ex-wife as part of his family along with his parents and any brothers or sisters. At 25, you still have a lot to learn, so take this opportunity to open up your mind and your heart and learn what it’s like to be a good wife and step-mother. Ask your husband for his opinion. Say, “How can I be a better wife?” and he’ll tell you. Find out why his first marriage failed so that you can avoid the same pitfalls. Knowledge is power so ask as many questions as it takes to educate yourself. If possible, try to connect with his ex-wife and let her know that you want to be supportive of his kids. Become a mentor to his kids, be a wife and lover to your husband and enjoy your soul mate just the way he is. Keep the communication open and honest. I don’t believe that age is a problem unless you make it so. Two people in love can be any age, any sexual orientation or any culture. For more on love, read the 12 Steps to Everlasting Love and to maintain passion in your relationship, get my Passion Power Program.