Dear Dr. Ava
Q & A, Single Women
by Dr. Ava Cadell
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years and we used to have sex all the time. But recently, he's been acting really weird. For the past few months, he's been saying "no" to sex right before we'd have it. For instance, we'd start kissing and touching... and it'd go on for 20 minutes or so... up to the point where both of our pants are down and we're obviously "ready." Then, right before we begin penetration, he'll say, "No, wait. I can't. I don't want to." Again, he's quite obviously ready for sex. And this leads me to believe that he's absolutely insane. What does he mean he doesn't want to? I can see with my eyes and feel that he wants to. Sometimes he'll finish himself off, and other times he just lets it go. And he doesn't want to talk about it. What do you think is the matter?
Answer: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but all the signals you are describing lead me to believe that he’s sexually and emotionally attached to someone else. You need to confront him with this and find out for yourself before you invest any more time in this relationship. My guess is that he met someone else and has already had sex with her. He is having trouble terminating the relationship with you because he still has feelings for you, but he’s in lust with someone else. Tell him your suspicions and ask him to come clean with you. Say, “I need to know why you don’t want to have sex with me anymore. If you have any feelings for me at all, you’ll tell me the truth. I promise not to freak out, but I need to know what’s going on.” If there isn’t anyone else though, and he can’t explain why he backs off, why don’t you watch my Tantric Massage DVD together, and follow it step by step. If it fails to get you both enjoying the best sex you ever had, it will be the first time ever that it’s failed.