Dear Dr. Ava

Anal Sex

Question: I have been dating one guy steadily for about three months now.  We have a pretty healthy relationship: we like a lot of the same stuff, laugh a lot, we get along with each other and even each other’s friends.  We’re not in love or anything, but we have a good time and I think we have a good sex life.  The other night though, we were having sex “doggy style” and he stopped for a moment and then, without asking me or saying anything, he tried to, you know, “slip it in the back door.”  I stopped him before he got too far, but I had no idea he was interested in such an act and I have certainly never seriously considered it.  I don’t think it would excite me, but he seemed very interested, although we still haven’t really talked about it.  Now things are a little awkward sexually and I feel like he may be losing interest.  It’s starting to seem like his primary interest in our relationship was just to engage in sexual experimentation, but he may just be feeling guilty or awkward himself.  I can’t tell.  I don’t understand why a guy would want to do that with a woman and why he never mentioned it before.  I want to talk about it, but I feel like he should be approaching me about his sexual interests, at least before he tries to engage in them, especially if I’m likely not to be interested.  Am I being too uptight about trying new things sexually?  Do you think having anal sex with me is really that important for him to have in our relationship?

Answer: Anal sex can be both scary and erotic, but nobody should try to do it without talking about it first.  Since your boyfriend is a communication wimp, you are going to have to take the initiative and bring up the subject.  The next time you are ready to have sex with him, ask him if he’s ever had anal sex with a woman before?  If he says, “Yes” then ask him what turns him on most about anal.  You’ll find out if he likes it because it’s taboo, or if it’s because the anus is tighter than the vagina or maybe he’s just into controlling women.  Let him know that you are willing to be experimental sexually, but you need to be prepared by discussing it before doing it.  It’s all about respecting your partner.  Also let him know that when embarking on anal sex for the first time with someone, you need to start out slowly by inserting a pinky, then a forefinger barely moving so that the muscles have time to adjust.  A condom is essential when inserting the penis into the anus and one must never ever insert the penis from the anus into the vagina without changing condoms first. Finally, ask him if having anal sex with you is crucial to your relationship.  If he says, “yes” dump him.