Loveology University  LU Library Your Love Life Changing Guilt into Gilt
Changing Guilt into Gilt
Changing Guilt into Giltby Dr. Ava Cadell
What guilt is:
Guilt is feeling ashamed, whether the humiliation is justified or not. We have all been shamed for something. As far as I know, The Guinness Book of World Records has no knowledge of anyone on this planet having escaped shame so far. And even if our “misdeeds” may seem comical when we look back on their original setting, the self-punishing effects of the guilt can stifle us for years. Let’s look at Gloria’s experience; it is a good case in point. Gloria is a woman in her 20s who recalls the first time she was sexually shamed, as follows: “I was four years old, and my six-year old playmate Richard took me behind my house and showed me his penis. I didn’t even know what it was, so I just looked at it out of curiosity. Well, our mothers caught us and all hell broke loose. You would have thought an Immaculate Conception was about to occur. And the funny thing is, Richard and I were being ignored while our parents were running to each other in near hysterics. Even a couple of neighbors came out their doors because of the commotion. I stood there wondering what was wrong with the adults; I’d never before seen them run amok. I began to think that adults were alien creatures. “And the incident was much ado about nothing; I could sense that Richard and I had not done anything as horrible as our parents’ reaction to it. But I was so embarrassed. I felt my face grow hot. Like a snake in the grass, I slithered off to a corner of our yard and began building a tiny house out of rocks.
I squatted there, huddled into myself, muttering something about building a rock house and hiding inside it. "Far away across the yard, I could hear the neighbors trying to calm my mother down. Everyone was talking more rationally, but I didn’t dare look up and face them. This is the first time I can ever remember feeling shame about anything. The incident probably affected me somewhat sexually later on, as far as inhibitions, but not nearly as much as it affected me emotionally. Whenever people around me react unreasonably, my first reaction is to think it’s my fault. To this day, I hate all the hoopla that guilt causes; it’s not necessary.” The guilt Gloria feels has been put on her and was blown out of proportion. However, Gloria turned her guilt into gilt by realizing, even at age four, that the problem was the adults’ over-reaction to sexual curiosity, not her and Richard. But other forms of guilt can indicate genuine remorse. We can feel remiss in our duty to another person, which is also guilt. I’d like to give you an illustration of guilt as a “double-edged sword” taken from my own life. I love to travel, yet I feel guilty if I accept a two-week lecture assignment overseas and have to be away from my husband. Usually I invite my husband to come along, but a close relative of his is very ill and he cannot leave to go abroad. So, I would feel equally guilty if he were to travel with me and the relative died while we were away. In this instance, guilt becomes like a take-off on that old expression “damned if you do; damned if you don’t.” I am putting the guilt on myself, but it is based on my love and concern for the people closest to me. Is it necessary for me to feel guilty? Or can I turn guilt into gilt by just making a choice when these travel-situations pop up and trusting that I have made the best decision I can, realizing that I am only human. Guilt is also control and manipulation. Unfortunately, people “lay guilt trips” sometimes because it simply works. If all else fails, others will often do what we want if they are shamed into it often enough. But that kind of guilt will turn to rust eventually when resentment and rebellion set in.
What guilt is not:
Guilt is not a healthy motivator. How many times have we accepted a date out of guilt? Anita, an educator in her 30s, had dated Daryl three times when she realized she didn’t feel any chemistry with him. “He was a perfectly nice guy and we had a good time with each other,” Anita said, “but I just didn’t feel he was the love of my life. We didn’t click romantically. Yet I continued to date him because I felt guilty about telling him I wasn’t interested.” I advised Anita to make a clean break of it and let Daryl down gently so that each could move on and find the right person. “When I recognized I was going out with Daryl to avoid feeling guilty about saying ‘no’, I understood I wasn’t being sincere to me or to him. I didn’t owe Daryl a date and I didn't owe him my guilt, which must have seemed like pity. I did owe it to both of us to be honest.” Anita felt obligated into “mercy dates” as many people call them. She wanted to give the situation with Daryl a chance, but she also felt it had no future. Fortunately, Anita recognized the potentially detrimental consequences of continuing a relationship she didn’t want and the importance of nipping it in the bud. “Once I saw the benefits of cutting it off with Daryl, I felt better too,” Anita said. “I was free to find someone more suitable for me. Daryl was free to find someone who would love him more than I could. And hopefully, we can still remain friends and talk about any new people who come into our lives.” Guilt is not a noble gesture. Pam, a pretty, outgoing, 16-year-old high school junior agreed to go on a blind date with an 18-year-old college freshman named Roger. "We hit it off beautifully over the phone; we seemed to have a lot in common,” Pam said. “My friend Sandra had set us up.
She had given him my phone number, and we were to double date with Sandra and her boyfriend. Well, to get acquainted before our big date, Roger agreed to meet Sandra and me for a few minutes at a coffee shop after school. Judging by his voice, I thought he would be tall, nice looking and have a great personality. But that’s not who walked in the door of the coffee shop! Roger turned out to be unusually short, about 5-feet tall. He seemed arrogant and his manner made him look ugly, even though he was nice looking. Yes, his size bothered me because he was shorter than I am, but I wouldn’t have cared about his height if he had been as pleasant as he was on the phone. Maybe he felt intimidated, I don’t know. I tried to make the best of it and initiated a conversation with Roger. He was stand-offish. Later I confided to Sandra that I was unsure about Roger, but she insisted I owed it to her to go out with him just once. So I felt guilty about hurting Sandra’s feelings, because she had gone to so much trouble to bring Roger and me together. I couldn’t believe what happened next. Roger called a few days later, sounding very put-upon. He asked me out, saying he thought he owed me a date. I was irate. This young fellow was not my dream date, and he certainly did not owe me anything but a hasty goodbye. I told him he didn’t have any obligation to me, and I ended the conversation.” Pam and Roger may have missed out on a perfectly good friendship because they felt “nobly obligated” to go out with each other to avoid hurting Sandra’s feelings. As a result, Pam and Roger offended each other and didn’t communicate about it. Perhaps this scenario could have had a better outcome if either Pam or Roger had said, "Hey, let’s forget about dating and just be telephone-friends for a while."
Guilt is not a relationship tool.
In fact, many times guilt is narcissistic, self- centered and presumptuous! Moira’s boyfriend Terry broke up with her without giving her a reason. “I was stunned, so I confronted him, and he said he felt guilty because he didn’t want to marry me,” Moira said. “I was flabbergasted by his presumption. We had never talked about marriage, and it certainly wasn’t on my mind. I am very independent and like my lifestyle. I’m not sure I’d want to marry anyone. I thought Terry was self-centered to assume I was hearing wedding bells. It reminded me of that silly expression that is so true: “If you assume, you are making an ass out of ‘u’ and ‘me’.” Then Terry added insult to injury by feeling guilty about my presumed unhappiness over not marrying him, even though he never bothered to find out my real feelings about marriage. I was more angry at his assumptions about me than his breaking up with me.”
Moira and Terry were dealing with an immature form of guilt in which Terry felt overly responsible for Moira’s feelings. In other words, he wasn’t “relating” with Moira. Instead, he was projecting his beliefs onto her and taking a false responsibility for what he presumed she was feeling. Terry could have handled this situation better by looking at the facts before making the distorted conjecture that Moira was ready for marriage. Terry leapt blindly into a guilt reaction; he jumped to conclusions that were not there. Had he communicated his concerns about marriage, he would not have insulted Moira but simply have opened the topic for discussion. “Terry was feeling pressures that didn’t exist," Moira said. “It’s too bad because I think we could have stayed together a little longer. Now, we aren’t even friends.”
Real-Life Revelation:
Garden-variety guilt:
We’ve heard the phrase “garden variety” all our lives whenever someone describes a stereotype or common-place object. But take a look at what grows in a garden-- many species of plants with one thing in common: they are all “garden variety.” Guilt comes in many varieties too, but it is still guilt. Or, in other words, guilt by any other name still smells as fetid. Let’s take a look at the different kinds of guilt:
Guilt trips.
These come in two sub-species, the guilt trips other people lay on you and guilt you may inadvertently lay on other people. My father put a guilt trip on me that I was determined to turn into gilt. Comparing me with his negative image of my mother (who I never knew), my father pronounced to me that I would grow up to be a drug user and a prostitute. This made no sense to me; I wanted to be a nurse. Yet he perceived my mother to be of ill repute, so he projected that I would become wanton also. During the course of my early life as a model, I was exposed to drugs and propositioned many times but was determined never to succumb to any of it. Even when the Shah of Iran wanted to me to be one of his mistresses, I would not allow myself to become the victim of my father’s guilt trip. It would have been so easy just to become his “self-fulfilling prophecy” but I felt I deserved more in life than the degrading outcome he expected for me. In my case, I took the guilt trip and used it to motivate me to a better self-image and a better lifestyle. I chose to rebel in a healthy way. You can do that, too. If someone has a negative expectation of you, don’t give it any power. You are the person who decides who you are and what is best for you. You can listen to another person’s input, but you don’t have to accept it as the gospel truth about yourself. Now let’s look at the other side of the guilt-trip coin, laying guilt trips on others. A client of mine, Eileen, was very upset when her boyfriend Adrian accused her of laying guilt trips on him every time she wanted to communicate. “Adrian seemed to think I was going to admonish him just because I wanted to talk to him,” Eileen said. “If I were hurt or unhappy about something between us, he accused me of laying a guilt trip on him and he would clam up.” Eileen said this has happened to her in the past with other people. “Whenever I make a request or confront an issue, other people sometimes act guilty. For instance, my boss and I had to deal with a client he didn’t like, so I opened up and told my boss the client had offended me too. My boss said I made him feel guilty by telling him about the client’s coarse behavior, but it wasn’t my intention to blame my boss for his client’s conduct.” I pointed out to Eileen that in these instances, perhaps her point-blank honesty was coming across as accusatory to her boss and her boyfriend. I encouraged her to turn guilt into gilt by praising her boss for handling his difficult client as well as he did. This would make her boss feel good. Then he and Eileen could discuss how they, as a team, could better deal with the client’s ill behavior and perhaps help the client to improve on his social skills. Eileen agreed this was a much more positive approach than just doling out criticisms about the client. “It’s hard work though for me,” Eileen laughed. “I really need to stop and think before I act. I never realized that my approach is as important as my intention, and that I can be misunderstood too.” Eileen tried dealing with Adrian less blatantly also. “Many times when I wanted to sit down and talk, it was because of a misunderstanding and my feelings were hurt,” Eileen said, “so Adrian would feel guilty and run. I turned the situation around by writing Adrian a long letter emphasizing the many good things about our relationship. I told him I wanted our talks to be fun, something to anticipate with pleasure. So far Adrian is a little more open to talking with me; at least he sees me as less of a guilt-trippin’ mama.”
Guilt we create.
Self-blame is probably the garden-variety weed of guilt. And if you’ve ever had a garden, you know how hard it is to kill weeds. You can pull them up by the roots, hack them to bits and they still procreate and suck the life out of your flowers! The guilt we create in ourselves has a tendency to reproduce like weeds. One negative action or “mistake” can spawn numerous, unnecessary guilt attacks within ourselves. To this day, I still carry guilt over my grandmother’s death which occurred (how many years?) ago. My granny had left Europe to come live with her daughter in Florida. One weekend my grandmother had to be left alone because her daughter and son-in-law were away in Hawaii. I was living in New York at the time and I didn’t have the money to go be with my grandmother. Of course that was the weekend she died and she was all alone. I still berate myself for not scraping together the money to come be with my grandmother when she was dying. I’ve asked myself, how can I let go of feeling guilty about my grandmother’s death? I could write her a letter and tell her my thoughts. One well-meaning friend gave me a bit of spiritual advice too. My friend said it would be easier on both me and my grandmother to let her go, in my mind. Maybe my grandmother needs to move on, spiritually speaking, just as I need to move on with my life here on earth. So I wrote these thoughts down in a letter and I imagined being able to give the letter to her: we hug each other and she forgives me for not being with her at the end of her life. Sometimes I visualize being able to talk to my grandmother one last time. I remind her how much I love her and how much she meant to me. I send her my deepest love, knowing that my care for her is more important than any guilt feeling ever will be. The guilt we create within ourselves can subtly eat away and destroy us. That’s why it is so important to monitor our feelings and catch-out the blame and guilt ones before they can drain our energy. Sometimes our guilt mechanism is on automatic pilot and we have to stop and take control before our feelings run away with us. As you can see in the above example of my grandmother, dwelling on past guilt is a waste of time. It does not help my grandmother, and the guilt I am carrying does not help me grow. How to turn guilt into gilt. Fairy tales often tell us about ancient sorcerers who would turn lead into gold. That’s just what we want to do here. Guilt is like lead, isn’t it? It weighs us down, it depresses us. And like the proverbial lead weight, it gives us a sinking feeling and holds us back like any excess baggage. Guilt has such a negative influence in people’s lives. Guilt is leaden; it is toxic and can destroy the mind just like the metal lead can poison your body if you ingest it. To turn guilt into gold, let’s think of turning bad guilt into good guilt. One classic guilt situation is an ailing mother who makes her grown children feel guilty for not spending enough time with her. If her children dwell on their guilt, it will interfere with their entire lives. They will feel guilty for having fun with their own kids, or for going out to dinner with friends, or even for spending more time at work. To turn this situation around, this woman’s children need to focus on the times they have spent with their mother, and stop dwelling on the times they cannot be with her. It will ease everyone’s burden if this woman’s offspring can dwell on all the things they have done for their mother, rather than dwelling on what they cannot do now. Here is another model case of family guilt: Caroline felt guilty for years because she was not able to visit her aunt before her death. “My aunt Ella lived 2,500 miles away, and it was difficult to get back to see her. So I planned a trip one Christmas and Aunt Ella died two weeks before I was scheduled to see her. Not only do I feel such a deep regret and remorse, I never hear the end of it from other family members. I will always miss my aunt, but I don’t want to feel guilty every time I think of her. So I dwell on all the wonderful years we had together and the many holidays we spent at family reunions. I remind myself that life is fleeting; I am not God and I had no power over when my aunt would live or die. I had to live my own life, even if it meant being across the country from her. I know in my heart that I did not love her any less for not being around her every day.”
Let’s try an exercise.
Think of all the many different kinds of guilt and how you can alleviate it. Here are a few:
Religious beliefs:
Does my religion make me feel guilty about enjoying life? If so, how can I balance my spiritual life with my worldly life and feel okay?
Sexual guilt:
Do I feel guilty about enjoying sex? Do I think sex is dirty, evil, or unhealthy? Do I fear getting caught in the act? How can I remove these guilt barriers?
Procrastination:
Do I feel so guilty about postponing what I have to do daily, that I end up procrastinating even more? How do I get out of this vicious cycle?
Another exercise in alleviating guilt is to write down everything that makes you feel guilty and what is causing the guilt feelings. I feel guilty about eating chocolate, which I love. And the guilt stems from a fear that my teeth will rot and that I will gain weight or my skin will break out in pimples. So I get rid of the guilt by eating chocolate in moderation. I allow myself one piece of chocolate a day and maybe two or three pieces over the weekend. By telling myself it’s okay to eat some chocolate, the guilt goes away. And you know what? By getting rid of the guilt, I actually crave the chocolate less.
Turning guilt into gilt is indeed your golden challenge. The more you can get rid of excess-baggage guilt, the more you will be ready to find your everlasting love. Always look for the most pragmatic solution to any situation that causes you guilt. For instance, if you feel guilty about saying no to people, think of the unpleasant consequences of saying yes if you don’t mean it. Also, try reversing your guilt patterns. If someone asks you to do a favor, don’t say okay out of guilt. Stop the guilt feeling right then and there. You don’t have to feel it. You can instead respond by saying, “I’d like to help you out, but I’m very busy right now. Is there someone else who can help you out?”
Guilt is manageable. You don’t have to go through life letting other people put their guilt on you; don’t give them the satisfaction. Pity people who have to manipulate that way, but don’t respond to them in kind. You can empower yourself more by showing love and sensitivity to the “guilt trippers” rather than letting them entrap you with their needs.
A large part of empowering yourself and your partner in a relationship is to open up about that old bugaboo guilt. Sometimes partners feel guilty when there’s nothing to feel guilty about! And remember, anything can be negotiated. Let’s say you feel guilty about not having enough sex with your mate. Then talk about it and work out a do-able solution. The time you waste feeling guilty could be spent making spontaneous love!
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