Dear Dr. Ava

Dominant Girlfriend

Question: My girlfriend and I have been going out for about two months.  I think the sex is pretty good, but my girlfriend is a little more experienced than I am and has very high expectations.  She’s always telling me how she expects me to perform and gives me maneuvering tips during intercourse and always tells me, in frustrated tones, when something is not pleasing her.  This is a huge turn-off for me and it often makes me want to stop the intimacy altogether.  I want to know what she enjoys, I want to please her, and I don’t want her to fake it, but when she talks about my performance during the fact I get turned off and usually botch the job.  How can I ever please this girl under all this pressure?!

Answer: Your girlfriend has a dominant personality and she has convinced you that she is better than you sexually.  That would turn any man off.  Unless you’re a masochist, find the balls to tell her that you don’t want to be told what to do in bed because it’s a big turn off.  Tell her that she is a poor communicator.  Look, I’m all for asking for what you want in bed, but only with positive reinforcement like, “Honey, I love it when we do it doggie style in front of the full length mirror because it really turns me on to watch you give it to me from behind.”  Right now, it doesn’t sound like she gives you any encouragement or praise when you do something she likes.  The two of you are not compatible in or out of bed, so speak up for yourself before your self-esteem goes down the toilet.  And the next time you have sex with her, I recommend you just bend her over your knee and give her a friendly spanking.  She’ll probably love it because she’s been waiting for you to take some control sexually.  You could also play The Tantric Lover’s Game with her and surprise her by showing just where you’re willing to go where love-play is concerned.