Dear Dr. Ava

Married but Gay

Question: I’m a 42-year-old male who finally admitted to himself and the rest of world that I am gay about seven years ago.  I was married at the time and had two children with my former wife.  I live alone now and have been immensely enjoying my newfound gay lifestyle.  In hindsight, I can’t believe I denied myself these pleasures for so long!!!  Recently, however, I have become concerned about something. I’ve always been attracted to younger guys – usually in their early 20s.  The youngest I ever dated was a 20-year-old Stanford student.  But the truth is, in my fantasies, I desire teenagers.  The ideal age I’m attracted to is 16 or 17 year olds.  I’ve never attempted to date a man this young, but the thought of it is playing an increasingly larger role in my fantasies.  I guess my question is, does this make me a deviant?  I know it’s illegal to date anyone younger than 18 and I would never do it, but I can’t stop fantasizing about really young men.  Is there something wrong with me?  Am I going down a dangerous road?

Answer: First of all, congratulations on your new gay lifestyle and for becoming conscious of your own self-worth.  Now to answer your question.  First and foremost, fantasies are a great comfort zone because they are neither legal nor illegal.  There is nothing wrong with you for having sexual fantasies of young men, but if you are leaning towards fulfilling the fantasies then you are going down a dangerous road.  I don’t have to tell you that the younger the victim (that’s what they call them) the harsher are the legal penalties.  In psychiatry there is something called “compensation” which might solve your problem.  There are many adults who are eighteen years and older that look younger than their age.  My advice is that you maintain strict boundaries between your fantasies and reality.  When you date men, compensate by only dating guys over eighteen and do not let your desires override the possible harm that could be done to young and impressionable people.