Dear Dr. Ava

Parental Concern

Question: I’m a single mother with a 13-year-old daughter.  I recently caught her and her boyfriend having sex.  Naturally, I was disappointed and this came as a BIG shock to me.  She seems like such a good, normal kid.  I made my disappointment obvious to her, but I want to know what else you think I should be saying to her to make it clear that she is too young to be involved with that stuff yet.

Answer: There comes a point in time in every adolescent’s life when the urge for sex begins.  The fact that she is curious and experimental doesn’t mean that she is bad or abnormal.  You can’t indulge yourself wallowing in disappointment and it is not a good idea to punish her for her early feelings of sexual desire.  Some girls are more vulnerable and susceptible to boys’ sexual advances.  Many girls give sex for love, perhaps for love and attention they are not getting at home.  The best advice I can give you is to talk to her, not reprimand her.  Tell her the pros and cons of promiscuity.  Let her know the risks of STDs and pregnancy.  Don’t neglect to talk about the positive aspects of sex combined with love.  Help her to understand that sex is a precious gift that is only worth giving to someone who is honorable.  If you need help with sexual facts, buy her books on teenage sex like, “Finding Our Way: the Teen Girls’ Survival Guide” by Harper Perennial publishing and read it with her.  This is how a mother should talk to her daughter so that she has prepared her for sexual maturity.  Finally, let her know that you will always be there for her and that she can come to you with any question or problem that she is faced with.  Don’t push her away.  Do find time to watch my seminar, How to Talk to Kids About Love and Sex though, that way you won’t fail to link with her.