Dear Dr. Ava

Sexual Confusion

Question: I am a 32-year-old married man.  I have two kids that I love very much.  I have been married to my wife 10 years this coming October and we have been together 12 years.  About four years ago I gave another man oral sex for the first time.  Since then I have given several other men the same.  I have only given them oral sex.  I haven't had anal sex with any of them, nor have I ever received oral sex by any of them.  I also enjoy wearing women’s’ clothes. It took me many years to go out in public dressed up in women’s’ clothes, now I do it as often as I can.  Now of course my wife doesn't know this about me.  If she ever found out she would leave me so fast.  I would not ever want her to leave me because I love her so much.  I want to be with her forever.  She is the love of my life.  I thought about not hooking up with men anymore and stop dressing up in female clothes, but I know I won't.  I enjoy both very much. Do you have any advice for me?

Answer: Since you have made your decision not to stop your covert encounters, you are obviously playing against the house.  At stake is not only your marriage, but your children’s custody and your community assets.  You have to resolve this issue or the day will come when it will resolve itself without your choice.  You say that you love your wife, yet you continue hooking up with men for sexual gratification that you get from playing the female role in a gay encounter.  It becomes apparent that the obsession of your fantasy is more important to you than your life with your wife and children.  You are gambling on not getting caught.  How long can you lead a double life like this?  You’re risking it all for a quick fix.  It’s time for you to make a choice that you can live with.  Do you want to be married with two children?  Or would you be happier cross-dressing and having sex with men?  You say that you only give oral sex to men, but my guess is that it won’t stop there.  Eventually, you will be the receiver of penetration.  My advice is that, at the proper time, you confront your wife with your feelings and take the risk that she will help you through them without leaving you.  As Shakespeare wisely wrote, “This above all—to thine own self be true.  And it must follow, as night follows day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”  Basically, if you choose to be true to yourself, then everyone will accept you for who you REALLY are, not for the mask you use to hide your true self.