Dear Dr. Ava

Sexually Insecure

Question: I remember reading a research article in the Journal of American General Psychology years ago that sort of confirmed what is happening to me now.  I'm a 63-year-old double doctorate professional scientist, independent, and semi-retired, devoting my expertise to 'Serving Others' via the internet.  Because of my professional and personal life, I haven't had the opportunity for live sex in over 20 years, although it drives my very being!  As a consequence, I now fit the subject genre of that JAGP article - the 'old, fat, and ugly American male without a relationship and the impossibility of finding one' (well, I may be old and fat, but the physiognomy is yet not too bad!).  Anyway, the article said, for American males without a spouse, “if you're over a certain age, ‘Forget it, buddy!’  At your age, there'll be no sex for you.”  However, the “acceptable” American societal substitute "for someone your age, IS TO EAT!  If you are 'hungry' for sex, instead EAT, 'cuz that's all you're going to get, Buddy!  So eat, until you die of food!"

That said, I recently joined several on-line dating services, where I have been totally up-front about myself, with words and pix (both professionally, as the fully-bearded scientist, and clean-shaven, which, unfortunately, shows my fat face!).  An online article said that women in the San Francisco Bay Area especially look for degreed professionals, but my 'old, fat, and ugly' status doesn't seem to be attractive, regardless of my humanitarian endeavors and professional life.  Am I to be consigned to the 'forever old, fat, and ugly' dustbin of life, as to the possibilities for sex and so much more?

Answer: I’m sorry to hear that you have predetermined who you are from the JAGP article that you read in the Journal of American General Psychology years ago.  You say that you haven’t had the opportunity in 20 years for physical sex.  There isn’t a red blooded man in the US that hasn’t had the opportunity for live sex in 20 years unless he’s been locked up in prison or a hospital.  The fact is that you have been avoiding sex because you don’t have the desire or you feel insecure and are afraid of intimacy.  How can it drive your very being if you haven’t done anything about it?  You have psychologically excluded yourself from society and created a powerful self-fulfilling prophecy by blaming the article for all your problems so that you don’t have to take any of the responsibility for your circumstances.  You rationalize that as a social substitute it’s okay to eat and get fat until you die because it’s impossible for you to meet anyone that you’re compatible with.  Even in your lame effort to join an on-line dating service, you portray yourself as an undesirable 'old, fat, and ugly' man.  Well, I’m here to let you know that you will never meet anyone unless you pull yourself out of your self-hatred, low self-esteem mindset.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself and write a new personal portrayal for the dating service where you focus on all the wonderful qualities you have to offer a woman.  Even I can see some positive attributes through your negative letter to me.  I’ll start the new profile and then you continue where I left off.  “I’m an independent, intelligent, cuddly man who is semi-retired after devoting my expertise to 'Serving Others' for many years.  Now I’m ready to settle down with a loving woman who is looking for friendship and romance."  Feel free to elaborate Dr., but don’t you dare get negative on me.