Dear Dr. Ava

Videotape Sex

Question: I want to do something in the bedroom that my wife isn’t too happy about and thought I would get your input – find out how another woman sees it.  Is it wrong if a dude wants to video tape the two of them in the bedroom, or is it wrong if she turns him down?  Who is right and who is wrong here?  Also, is it wrong if he wants to use a vibrator with her?  This is probably embarrassing but how else can I get to the truth of this?  We love each other but why is she so uptight about things other women don’t mind?

Answer: Neither of you is wrong.  You are allowed to have a desire to videotape yourself and your wife making love just as much as she is allowed to say no to it.  Same goes for the vibrator but with one distinction.  Not all women use or want to use a vibrator and she has the sole right to determine what enters her body.  Where right and wrong come in is how you choose to handle this difference of opinion.  You say you love each other, but to try to manipulate or shame your lover for having a different viewpoint means that you are being disrespectful to her.  Try to find a solution that is acceptable to both of you, but don’t try to force your wife into acts which will diminish her sense of self.  I’m sure that if you talk about this, explain your feelings to her more clearly, she will try to find a way to compromise.  In the meantime spend a little money on the Tantric Lover’s Game, The Tantric Lover's Game and introduce her to new ways of loving that will be pleasurable for both of you.